Going crazy

So I haven't posted in awhile, and I really should have. I am going crazy in my mind. I can't relax, or find a calm medium. Someone very close to me loss her baby at 17wks gestation. The cause, a hyper-coiled cord. OMG, the sadness that I feel right now just can't be brought to words. I've been crying myself to sleep thinking about this someone and their son that they loss. A perfectly healthy baby, gone. A mothers womb, empty. And many, many hearts, are broken. Why can't we ever catch a break in life? I don't believe in God, and this most recent event just proves my notion that there isn't a God. Why would a God take my brother from me at 3 months? My mother at only 46yrs old? My baby at 21wks, and now this loss? There is no excuse. I don't believe in the saying that God gives you only what you can handle, because how the hell does he know what I can handle? This someone special ask me how I got through all the nightmares after we loss our son, and I had to think. Then it came to me, I drank. I drank a lot. I drank so much that each night I passed out, trying to forget the events that just happened. I drank so much that those few days after the funeral, I can't remember them. What I did, who I spoke to. Nothing. But I remember drinking, drinking from the same glass that I tied a blue ribbon on, in memory of my son (the glass still has that same ribbon on it). That's how I got through it. A few thoughts of suicide here and there. But mainly drinking. Then after 2 wks I went back to work. I was eligible for 6wks paid maternity, plus one wk berveament leave. But I only took 2 wks, I had to get my mind off of my son. And I'm glad I did go back. Filling my day with other things besides self pity and re-thinking all the what-ifs..... So I'm anxious for my friend. Her loss brought up memories of my loss. I'm just a mess. So all my days off are spent totally loving my little one. I can't get enough of her. I can't hold her enough, give her enough kisses, touch her enough. I am totally infatuated with her. Then talking with my fiance about having another one. we both agree that we want another baby, but I'm just so paranoid about any complications that can happen while pregnant. And now that I read up on what caused my dear friends loss, I'm even more terrified. How could I go on if we have another loss? How will I live? I won't be able to live in a bottle for a few weeks like I did with Jr, because I have my daughter that I have to think about now. So how will I survive? Ugh!!! I want another baby so bad. I guess I just need to go into it with a positive attitude, and try to get the best prenatel care that I can. So thats all from me for right now. I don't think writing this has helped me at all though. My mind is still going 1000 miles/min. All the what ifs. It's amazing how a life so young can impact so many people and cause so many hearts to break, who knew?

The most cliche title...My first blog!

So here I am, working the night shift (which I absolutly hate). And I was reading some post on one of my favorite websites, I-am-pregnant.com. One of the post I read was about a mother who has a son with Trisomy 18. In her post she shared a link to this website, where she is blogging about her son. And all of a sudden this light came on in my head. Since I was pregnant with my daughter, I have had terrible anxiety. Anxiety so bad as a matter of fact that I have been wanting to go to a crazy Dr. to talk about it. So I've decided that before I go shelling out my hard earned money to some wacko who is going to spin everything I say into a web of nothingness, I've decided that I will try blogging about my thoughts and feelings first, for free. So here I am, but where do I begin? I guess from the beginning. I have wanted to be a mother for as long as I could remember. Don't know why, but I have. I lost my mother to heart failure in July '01, I was only 21, she was only 45. One moment I am on the phone telling her that I will call her tomorrow, and that I love her (and she always followed by I love you more), the next minute I am throwing the phone down yelling and screaming because I had just been told by my sister that my mom is dead, she had died in her sleep. How could she be dead? I spoke to her just the night before. We didn't get to talk much because she was hanging shelves in her guest room of her first and only house. The room that she was making for her first grandson Anthony, although my brother was still battling for custody rights at the time. I didn't talk to her that night because she was busy, and I was going to talk to her the next night, before we went on our month long underway to Washington to get ready for our deployment. God do I miss her. Everyday, and even more now that I am a mother myself. I want to kick myself for all the times I was mean, rude, disrespectful, unappreciative. But that won't help, nothing will, she is gone for forever now, I missed my chance. I know people say that they think often of their loved ones who have passed. Sometimes I think they are just saying that so they don't seem like emotionless robots. But I do think of her often, too often. God I miss her. With every fiber of my being. My soul really does ache when I think of my mother. I wish I could believe that there is a heaven, and that my mom is there now enjoying her son, sisters, mother, father, step father, and so on. But because of all the hurt and pain that I have encountered in my short 31yrs, I just can't believe that there is a God, a heaven, a Father, a son, or a Holy Spirit. Am I going to hell, well I'm not sure if there is one of those either. And on that note I need to say goodnight. See you on the flip side, or the next blog. ;)