The most cliche title...My first blog!

So here I am, working the night shift (which I absolutly hate). And I was reading some post on one of my favorite websites, I-am-pregnant.com. One of the post I read was about a mother who has a son with Trisomy 18. In her post she shared a link to this website, where she is blogging about her son. And all of a sudden this light came on in my head. Since I was pregnant with my daughter, I have had terrible anxiety. Anxiety so bad as a matter of fact that I have been wanting to go to a crazy Dr. to talk about it. So I've decided that before I go shelling out my hard earned money to some wacko who is going to spin everything I say into a web of nothingness, I've decided that I will try blogging about my thoughts and feelings first, for free. So here I am, but where do I begin? I guess from the beginning. I have wanted to be a mother for as long as I could remember. Don't know why, but I have. I lost my mother to heart failure in July '01, I was only 21, she was only 45. One moment I am on the phone telling her that I will call her tomorrow, and that I love her (and she always followed by I love you more), the next minute I am throwing the phone down yelling and screaming because I had just been told by my sister that my mom is dead, she had died in her sleep. How could she be dead? I spoke to her just the night before. We didn't get to talk much because she was hanging shelves in her guest room of her first and only house. The room that she was making for her first grandson Anthony, although my brother was still battling for custody rights at the time. I didn't talk to her that night because she was busy, and I was going to talk to her the next night, before we went on our month long underway to Washington to get ready for our deployment. God do I miss her. Everyday, and even more now that I am a mother myself. I want to kick myself for all the times I was mean, rude, disrespectful, unappreciative. But that won't help, nothing will, she is gone for forever now, I missed my chance. I know people say that they think often of their loved ones who have passed. Sometimes I think they are just saying that so they don't seem like emotionless robots. But I do think of her often, too often. God I miss her. With every fiber of my being. My soul really does ache when I think of my mother. I wish I could believe that there is a heaven, and that my mom is there now enjoying her son, sisters, mother, father, step father, and so on. But because of all the hurt and pain that I have encountered in my short 31yrs, I just can't believe that there is a God, a heaven, a Father, a son, or a Holy Spirit. Am I going to hell, well I'm not sure if there is one of those either. And on that note I need to say goodnight. See you on the flip side, or the next blog. ;)